The Healer: Holding Without Absorbing

Before we start, I want you to look at the picture above and read the quote. Even if you already did, do it again. All too often, as Healers, we stop what we're doing when someone else is in need and act. Yes, this post is a little different that the rest because I'm allowing you to see inside me. I'm a Healer at heart. Yes, the Overcomer is a close second for me, and I've learned to Seek and Build over the years, but first, I Heal. This lesson took a while for me to learn. Be smarter that I was and learn it now.

When someone puts things off, suddenly realizes they need something, or just doesn't want to do it themselves, it isn't you responsibility to step in right away. And sometimes, you shouldn't step in at all. 

Around 2017-2018 I had someone send out a group text asking anyone who could, go help a lady that needed help with her house. Now, this isn't quite the same scenario as those I listed above, but the lesson still applies. Her husband had been diagnosed with stage four cancer and their whole world had been turned upside down.

They truly needed help. 

The moment I saw the text, I got up, put my shoes on, and headed for the front door. (We were neighbors.) As my hand hit the doorknob, the thought came, "This isn't yours to do."

I stopped, tilted my head, and thought, "What?"

Everything inside me knew that I wasn't supposed to go help. It made no sense. She needed help. I'm a Healer, it's what I do. So why shouldn't I go? But still, I knew this job wasn't mine to perform. I kicked my shoes off and went back to folding laundry.

For weeks, it bugged me that I hadn't gone and helped. How long had it taken for them to get things done? How much faster would it have gone if I'd been there to help? These questions and doubts plagued me. 

Then, one day at church, my neighbor spoke about that day. She told about how one woman had come to help. I cringed. But as she spoke, peace began to settle in my heart. That one woman sat with her and they talked. She understood what she'd been going through in ways I never could. That day formed a friendship between those two women that carries still to this day.

What if I had gone? What if my being there would've changed the dynamics and they wouldn't have forged that relationship? I realized that as much as I want to help, it's not always mine to do.

That moment changed how I approach helping.

Not in whether I care, but in how I decide when to act.

Because knowing how to help isn’t enough. You also need to know when your help is required and when it isn’t. I'd like to give you another thought, one that links back to the quote. What if jumping in to help someone, without questioning if you should or not, prevents that person from learning a lesson that is vital to their life improving?

Without that awareness, it becomes easy to step in at the wrong time, carry what isn’t yours, and interrupt something that was meant to happen without you.

That’s where this becomes practical.

START WITH YOUR BREATH.

When a moment begins to build, slow it down on purpose. Inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for six. Do it twice before you respond. This creates separation between what’s happening around you and what you choose to take in.

Build release into your day.

Set a timer once or twice a day to reset. Step away, move your body, stretch your shoulders, or take a short walk. Don’t wait until you feel overwhelmed. Releasing tension works best before it builds.

PROTECT YOUR REST.

Choose a consistent time to stop responding to messages and requests. Not everything requires an immediate answer. Sleep becomes non-negotiable when you understand that your ability to care depends on it.

Schedule what restores you.

Block time each week for something that gives back to you. Reading, a hobby, time outside, or something creative. Treat it the same way you would an appointment for someone else. If it’s not scheduled, it won’t happen.

STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

Spend time with people who support you, not just people who need you. Conversations where you don’t have to carry anything allow your mind and body to reset.

Set clear limits on your time.

Before agreeing to something, pause and ask, “Do I have the capacity for this right now?” If the answer isn’t clear, give yourself time before committing. A delayed response is better than an overextended yes.

USE SIMPLE BOUNDARIES.

Not everything requires an explanation. “I’m not available for that today.” “I can help with this part, but not all of it.” Clear responses protect your energy without creating conflict.

Separate what you hear from what you hold.

When someone shares something heavy, remind yourself: “This is theirs to process.” You can listen, support, and respond without taking ownership of the outcome.

RELEASE AT THE END OF THE DAY.

Before you go to bed, take one minute to mentally (or physically) list what you handled that day. Then decide to leave it there. What was done does not need to be carried into tomorrow.

These practices change how you care. They allow you to remain present, but keep you from taking everything in. Now you can support without absorbing. What you give becomes more effective because it comes from a place that is maintained, not depleted.

Think about this: on a plane, you’re instructed to put your oxygen mask on first. Without it, you won’t be able to help anyone else. The same applies here. What sustains you must come first if you want to continue showing up for others. It's how you hold without absorbing.

And that’s where this series moves next.

In the next post, we step into what happens when your care begins to carry more influence—how to lead with strength as your impact grows without losing the balance you’ve built.